I will work hard.
I will discipline myself.
I know that to succeed I must put in the work.
I want to succeed.
At the beginning of 2019, I already had this idea in mind. I knew that I messed up a bit last semester, and although it “worked out” I always know I could have done better. I am aware of my potential. I am intelligent. I am hardworking. I am capable of a lot.
However… I also just enjoy doing a lot of other things instead of work. I enjoy spending time with my boyfriend. I enjoy laughing and eating with my friends. I enjoy playing pool. I enjoy going to the gym (took me a while to be able to say that). I enjoy just walking across campus and running into random friends and being able to just catch up and have a fun little conversation.
However… even fun little conversations take time. Many fun little conversations add up in time, and eventually it’s been a couple hours of hanging out when I should have been studying for that test or doing that homework that’s due tomorrow. I run out of time, and then I end up doing all the things I need to do last minute. Yes. I usually end up finishing it and sort of pulling it off. Even then, I induce a ton of stress for myself and the work that I put out is trash.
Now, it’s becoming more often than not that I don’t even pull it off. For the first time in my life really, I am rightfully and genuinely concerned about my grades. I used to overthink and stress excessively about my grades when realistically I was going to be perfectly fine. This time it’s not “Oh shoot I’m going to get a B instead of an A”, it’s “Shoot I might fail this class.” Like an F. Like “Hey Tina, you failed that class. Take it again.”
I know it sounds a little “first world problem”-y but my academics are so important to my family. Anytime I have told them about a boyfriend, about an extracurricular, about a new job, or anything that doesn’t involve school they have always asked, “Ok, but will it impede with your academics? If it does, you have to stop it. Just quit if your grades aren’t good, okay Vi?” Every time. Guaranteed.
Being an only child adds another dimension to it. I’m pretty stressed too. I really want to do well. I’m terrified that I can’t do this double major thing that I took on, and that I’ll instead end up to amount to nothing. Then, my parents will be disappointed and I will be a failure to them. A child experiment they put their heart and soul and years of their lives and so much money into, and what do they get? Nothing.
Ok don’t get me wrong, I’m aware realistically that me amounting to nothing probably won’t happen. However, there’s always a chance. Nothing in this life is guaranteed. But I’m doing… I’m going to do the best I can to amount to something. I definitely wouldn’t say I’m doing the best I can right now, but I’m trying to make what I’m going to call The Plan and execute The Plan to the best of my ability.
Here’s part of The Plan:
I will work even when I don’t feel like it.
I will turn down distractions or hangouts because I know that I could be using my time more wisely.
I will have fun when I feel like I’ve deserved it.
I will push myself to work harder than I feel like I can, but not to the point that it affects my physical health.
I will also definitely work on taking care of my physical health because it has proved to be a significant obstacle that prevents me from working.
I will do my actual and absolute best to be the best student I can be. Number one priority.
Then, I will be a good girlfriend, a good friend, a good daughter, a good cousin, and whatever else my loved ones need me to be.
This is a semi-public, tangible, and more explicit way to make my goals real and known to me as well as all of you.
I highly suggest this to anyone who is looking for change in their life. Make it real. Make it tangible. Write it out or tell someone so that you process it in a way that makes sense to you and feels realistic to you. Only then will you feel courageous to step into it and start putting in the work. To wait for change while sitting there not putting in the work… is silly. How can you expect your life to change or for you to be better at anything by doing nothing? Do something. Make a plan. Talk to someone.
And then believe in yourself. Believe that you are capable of anything you put your mind to. Anything you are passionate about. Anything you’ve said, “I’ve always wanted to do that” to. You can do it.
Know that your people, your loved ones, your support system are all behind you loving and supporting you. And obviously, they want you to succeed.
But it won’t matter if you don’t think you can succeed. So believe so you can succeed… and eventually you will achieve.
(That last phrase vaguely reminded me of a Suite Life of Zack & Cody episode. Believe. Succeed. Achieve. or something like that?? Anyone feel me on that haha?)