1.17.18 I’ve Been Coming Home A Little Sad

This blog post will be a little bit of a spillage from my brain. I want to see if this blog is a good outlet for the negative thoughts I have and the negative energy I feel. The first half is about the details of my day, which is more for me to remember. Where the paragraph begins “The first few serious conversations…” is where my context and explanation of overthinking really begins. Enjoy or become sad. I don’t know what will happen to you.

I actually had an incredibly productive day today . I started with classes from 8AM until 11:55AM, and I love my classes… so far at least. It’s kind of interesting that the dynamic of which I am ready and energized to learn versus the amount of learning we actually do in class is not in correlation. For example, during class today for my physics course, I was so ready to learn something new, but the professor decided to go extremely slow on the syllabus and on the basic concepts of magnetism. It felt like he thought he was teaching 7th graders about magnets, but I understand that it was the basics to the real learning we had to do. That learning started about 20 minutes before class ended, but he did pose a question that did stump me. I remember that got me really excited because I remember jumping in my seat a little to take some good notes about something I just did not understand. Throughout his whole talk, I did understand he truly was trying to set up the class to help us succeed, and I fully appreciated that.

My next class was the infamous class of genetics. At our school, genetics is one of the most well-known and difficult biology courses you can take. However, I was pleasantly surprised in several ways when I finished the class. I at first entered the room not really looking for familiar faces, then I thought to myself, “If I don’t know anyone, I’ll be forced to focus more, so I’m okay sitting alone.” But of course two of my friends (that aren’t the closest, but definitely more than acquaintances) planted their butts next to me, and we found out we’re all going to be suffering in the same lab section. The lab portion is even more infamous by the way, so I’ll have that to look forward to. The professor, Dr. Weisser, was an interesting lecturer. I don’t mean like weird interesting, but truly interesting. He was just talking and I was a bit antsy to start taking lecture notes from a powerpoint or something, but he spent a good portion of the beginning of class to help us think about genetics in a new way. One thing that stood out so much so that I wrote it in my notes is that he pointed out that oranges aren’t really a true species. They were bred from a citron and a clementine, according to Dr. Weisser (I attempted to research the accuracy of this statement, but I’m terrible at research so I’m just gonna trust my professor). He just kept throwing out ideas and ways of thinking that I haven’t really tapped into, and I was utterly intrigued. I was yawning but only because my physical being was tired. My mental being was excited for what was to come in this class as well as all of my classes.

Then came my Statics class. I was not ready for the energy my professor had. She was the cutest human alive. She was so enthusiastic, but still firm in her teaching. Her voice fluctuated so much, but out of the purpose of emphasis. She was almost effortlessly funny, and it was like watching my mother teach an advanced physics course (it’s amusing because my mom is a hairdresser and doesn’t know much of the basic concepts of almost any of the formal learning I do). She kept moving around and jumping on tables to demonstrate concepts. It was a bizarre and beautiful experience, and to be honest that’s all. She’s just so freakin’ adorable.

Then, I had a meeting with my fellow research project manager and my research professor. I won’t deep dive into that. I had an hour until work, so I planned on eating lunch during that time period. However, I felt inclined to send some emails for research to initiate some meetings coming up, so I did not get to eat much. Then, I had work from 2PM until around 7:30PM. I’ve been struggling with being efficient with my time still, but I definitely was way more prepared for my weekly work meeting with my supervisor. We got a lot of important stuff done or figured out. I’ve got quite a handle on how to do my job, and I’m not too worried about how it will pan out for the rest of the semester.

After work, I decided to go to the lounge I always go to when I’m finished with anything really. I had some hilarious conversations and interactions with my good friends there. It was nice to just make jokes, hold fake therapy sessions, jokingly “throw” chairs during fake therapy sessions (I just set it down very gently and walked away), and deal with my fuckboy friend who actually is a girl who likes to transform into a fuckboy while wearing snapbacks. It’s hilariously complicated. I had some serious conversations too, and that is where my thoughts began to spiral.

The first few serious conversations I had were about other people’s problems, and as usual I actively listened and tried to do my best to help. Sometimes all they want is for someone to listen and interact with their thoughts out loud, just like they probably have in their head for who knows how many hours. I tried to give advice, but with my limited knowledge I either didn’t hit the nail on the head or they just ignored it. I totally understand why, and I’ve been trying to grow a thick skin about being ignored. I want to believe I contributed to at least a small part of their progress or the solution to their problem. Maybe that’s an addiction I have… helping people or just trying to be part of the solution to any problem. I know sometimes it can be detrimental to my mental health or just my overall life because it does take time and effort to be there for others. But I am learning to say no and limit myself on how much I do that on a day-to-day basis.

But anyways, after those serious conversations, I felt inclined to share a part of my story and struggle. Some part of other peoples’ vulnerabilities turned on some switch in my heart to be like…

“Ooh me! I want to share! I want to tell you all the feelings I have!”

My brain was like…

“Shut up, you moron! Those feelings are dumb… you really need to stop that before it becomes a big deal.”

I have feelings. That’s normal. I shouldn’t put myself down for it. However, these feelings in particular aren’t considering the logic that my brain has placed out in front of it. There are logical reasons why these feelings should not exist. They will lead me into an incredibly deep hole if I ever decide to express them towards the person I feel it for. These feelings are useless, but they are there. So I’m standing by myself in a room with a jar of feelings. I don’t know what to do with this jar of feelings. My plan is to place the jar of feelings in a corner or a closet, and keep going on with my days until time just degrades it. That’s not necessarily how glass works, but in my mind I hope that time just makes these feelings dissipate.

I shared that, the part about my feelings, to my friend. She responded quietly with a thoughtful stare, but I’m used to that. I often have problems that don’t have solutions, so I usually don’t like to share because what’s the point if the other person has no new piece of information or advice to offer me?  I tend to be able to logically work my way through a lot of problems or situations, so I handle my issues on my own. When I can’t figure out what to do, then maybe I’ll ask. Not to toot my own horn, but I have a relatively good IQ and EQ to figure out most of these social and interpersonal problems. If I can’t figure it out, it may be just as difficult if not more for someone else to figure it out.

My conundrum is that I just don’t want to make these feelings a big deal, so talking about it seems counterproductive. However, friends have pointed out that just talking about it does help for some people. I may be overthinking. I literally told several people in the past couple days to stop overthinking… and now here I am.

I found a quote that’s slightly relevant, but doesn’t significantly help me much. But maybe it’ll help you, so I’ll leave this here. 

“I pray you quit overthinking, replaying failed scenarios, feeding self doubt & seeing the good in everyone but yourself. You deserve more.” 

I remember developing and maintaining a strong habit of overthinking for most of my life. I’ve learned to not do it as much, but for some reason these days it’s returned. The overthinking process can seem a little irrational and harsh. For me specifically, on my walk home and into my apartment, it goes a little something like this:

B: I just saw that guy I liked. I had an opportunity to go back and see him, but I shouldn’t have and I didn’t. I just need to ignore him. I just need to ignore him and all these stupid feelings until they just disappear. He would never like me. If he didn’t before, he sure as hell won’t now. No guy has ever fallen head over heels for you. You’re a very average looking girl with a decent personality. But you care too much. You’re not going to find a boy that cares as much as you. No boy is going to care about you enough to go out of his way to love you. You can be annoying. You can be too bright (personality-wise). You talk too much sometimes. You’re emotionally high maintenance. And look… you’re going home alone. Most of your girlfriends have boyfriends. They get to fall asleep to goodnight texts or a warm body. They get to have someone to fall back on. They have a companion to do almost anything with. And you are alone… walking back to your apartment… no one wants to text you because they don’t need anything at this hour… the guys you like are never emotionally available… most of your “friends” don’t really care about your emotional and/or physical well-being much… and you are just… alone. Maybe you’re meant to be that chill girl friend, but you’ll never be the girlfriend that they cherish and love. I’ll give you a ride, and let’s go get food and talk. But hugs, kisses, flowers, love, care, affection, surprises, cuddles? Nah. You don’t get that because no boy cares about you enough.

H: That’s a little discouraging. But I guess my standards have been a bit high. So what? We give up on love? Give up on finding someone to marry? And what about emotional support? I think I need emotional support from someone if not a boyfriend…

B: Yeah… for now. Let’s just give up on love. You literally do not have the time for it, but we’ll revisit the marriage idea later. And about the emotional support…  you’ve done it for so many years mostly by yourself, why not just keep doing that? You can do it. You’re in a better mental space, and to ask for support is like asking for compliments. You already know what you’re capable of, and you know the logic and rationale behind almost everything. Be confident in you and your abilities. Why do you need more emotional support?

H: I don’t know. It’s nice to have someone just there… to look you in the eyes and see that they really care about you. Having someone to just cry into or hug whenever you need it is nice. Suffering this emotional pain by myself is hard, brain. I can get through it, but in the process I hurt so much that I cry. I know you don’t hurt as much, but brain look I’m crying.

B: No… why are you crying? People are unreliable. You can’t trust people to be as good as you. To be as supportive and caring as you. You can do that for yourself. You can do that for other people. Isn’t that enough, heart? To know you’re helping others?

H: It’s actually exhausting. I love to do it, but sometimes I want to be helped. Just because you can do it all on your own, doesn’t mean you should. We have no one to lean on, brain. Or at least you’ve told us to not lean on anyone. I feel compelled every now and then to share what’s going on, but most of the time you fight really hard to not let me.

B: What would you even say to them? You always get blank stares and not much further than where you were before you told them everything. Your problems… you know how to fix. There’s no point in telling them. Just shut up with these feelings and this need for emotional support. The feelings will dissolve and you’re strong enough to get through this mental pain. Focus on school, work, and health. Let’s work on those for now, okay?

H: Okay… I guess so.

So… as you can probably tell… I have some issues. And one of them is that sometimes my heart hurts. By the end of most days, my heart yearns for something that I can’t acquire, and it hurts. But what can I do? I really don’t know. Let me know if you know.

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