I LOVE YOU. I JUST WANTED TO SAY I LOVE YOU.
She thought in her head… but couldn’t bring herself to say out loud. Even when she did, she was met with a cruel monster of a situation.
My girls. All my girls from around the world. I applaud us for being such caring and considerate human beings. We are mechanically, biologically wired to care so much. We have that motherly instinct. We have that heart that pours out more than is healthy for our own souls. And guess what? We hurt. We feel immense pain when the one we love doesn’t understand how to love us… or doesn’t understand if they love us at all.
Unrequited love is a pain that I wish no one had to experience, but unfortunately to grow as a human being you must feel growing pains. You must experience the things in life that hurt us because then we will know why love feels so freaking good.
Oh honey… I felt the pain of unrequited love for about two long high school years. I fell in love so damn hard my face hit the concrete. However, that time before you tell them “I like you”. When things are up in the air and there’s hope that they like you too… that’s the fun part. Relish in that time period, whether it’s long or short. There is an expiration, but when you don’t know and have hope… it is wonderful. Flirt to your heart’s content, but also caution yourself for the potential that it will be an unrequited love. That answer to “Do you like me?” could be a “No, I’m sorry.” You have to prepare yourself for both. Keep your expectations relatively low my dear because sometimes if you hope for the best… life just can’t give you that. I’ve learned to reverse psychology this, but I will discuss that another time.
Man that pain though is like a pickaxe being the gentlest it can be to a rock. Eventually, as it keeps tapping cracks will form, and if you let it tap at your heart long enough… it will break. Mine did. I cried every night for months or maybe even a year. I just thought about what he said to me before I slept to help me cry and fall asleep just so I could not feel the pain…
“We will never go out together. There is no chance of us dating.”
He was being my best friend and my crush at the same time. He was just trying to help me crush that hope I held in my heart. Ironically, I dated him for almost 3 years even after my heart was broken… by him. He tried his best to help me pick up the pieces and put them back together. Sometimes my heart seemed fine, and it was beautifully broken. However, in the end, he didn’t really understand how it worked so it never fit perfectly together again. I knew. In my heart, a part of me knew this didn’t make sense, but we tried our best. We had a wonderful time (another thing I can write about). We both believe that we did our best, which was probably better than what most high school transitioning to college students could’ve done.
He’s my lifelong best friend now. If I’m depressed or about to hurt myself or maybe even kill myself, I trust that he has the words, rationale, and logic to talk me down. Yes… he has emotions and feelings too. He continues to remind me that he’s not all logic and rational thinking, and I know that. I know he is a human being with feelings. I can deep dive into this later too. But for now, I just know he got my back and I got his… for the rest of our lives.
After that long-term relationship, I tried and experimented with being casual with some boys. I can explain those in a fun post later too haha. But now I want to thank you gorgeous girls with beautiful souls and strong hearts for loving people so much. Loving those boys or girls with all the love you can muster, but the hurt is inevitable my dear. However, one day you will find the boy that will take care of you. You will find a Daniel.
Daniel is one of my closer friends at University of the Pacific. He has a caring and considerate heart open to helping whoever he can. Most of the time, that just happens to be girls because we girls are more inclined to let ourselves be vulnerable to this heart-wrenching pain. He, as well as the boy I am seeing right now, have this ability to emotionally connect with girls much better than the average boy. God bless their souls. Honestly, who even cares about those boys hating on them for just showing a little vulnerability and care. These boys will cup your heart in their hands and apply enough pressure to help it beat stronger and to help you grow a little more slowly.
If my parents read this, they will get mad at this part but for reals… fuck guys who are scared to express their emotions or show that they care about something for once in their goddamn life. Fuck guys who are too scared to commit because they honestly just want to hoe around. Okay, I am being a little harsh, because I hoed around for a bit and it can be fun. But at the end of the day I wanted something meaningful and real, and actually I’m pretty sure most guys want that too. You can’t play the dating game forever… eventually you’re gonna want to win boys and girls.
(This reminds me of the scene in How I Met Your Mother where Barney Stinson meets Tracy, and she asks him…
Do you want to continue playing the game or do you want to win?
Freaking love that show so goddamn much.)
So my girls… continue to love hard and fast, but know what lies up ahead. With bigger risk, there is huge reward that will come to you, and it will make you the happiest you’ve ever been. Also, remember how to love yourself. You are beautiful. I may not even know you, and I truly believe it. I truly believe if you were in front of me, and I could talk to you… you would immediately become beautiful the moment you shared something about yourself. Believe in yourself and the power that you have to impact the world, your community, your friends, and yourself. Love will bring you far in life, my dear.
I have only recently realized what feminism is about, and I have discovered how beautiful and powerful women are. But as usual… I will deep dive later.
Please let me know if you have questions or need clarification. Just comment below or message me through the social media links. Please have a day as beautiful as you.