Hot damn. My head hurts. These hair dye chemicals are invading my pores and infecting my mind.
With a nudging and dull pain in my brain, I decided this very day that I want to write a book before I die. Bucket list item. Seems reasonable, right? I have a lot of thoughts and feelings, and I want to share them with the world before they get stuck in my dead brain. I can only tell the same stories to so many people for so long. So with all this hair dye, bleach and more infecting my very being, I decided to write this book or long essay or whatever this ends up being.
I decided this would be my first post on my blog. Hi friends 🙂
I’m not dying my hair because of a breakup or I need a transformation. I dyed it blue on a whim last winter break, and I loved it. Blue is my color, honey. I tried half pink and half purple by my mom’s recommendation and it was all right. (Wow… I tried to type “alright” but that does not exist in the grammatical world, I forget that it’s only part of text culture). I just love the blue so much. It makes me feel… vivacious. At my college or university as some of you may call it, University of the Pacific, they have a project called the One Word Project. I chose “vivacious”, and that was a couple years ago. I would say I have switched from agreeing to disagreeing to that a few times since then.
I will warn you… I will be a little all over the place towards the beginning because my mind goes everywhere all at once. I want to talk about the guy I just met on CMB (Coffee Meets Bagel… it’s a dating app and a real one, not Tinder. Tinder’s cancerous lol). I want to talk about my whole bucket list that I conjured up a few days ago (Now that I’m editing and I forgot to write that down, I might have forgotten some of those bucket list items. Hopefully, I’ll remember later). I want to talk about how much my head is killing me, but I’ll try to take it one step at a time.
This guy, though. He’s really cool, and I don’t want to get my hopes up too high… but damn. He’s got so much I’m looking for in a boy. He watches two of my top TV shows: Grey’s Anatomy and How I Met Your Mother. Grey’s he watches casually, but he jumps around. This is frustrating because I have no clue what he knows. I can’t tell him anything because I don’t know if it’s a spoiler or not. Gah lol. But he does watch How I Met Your Mother. He even sent me a song on Sound Cloud that’s a mix of one of Ted Mosby’s quotes. It got me shook. I couldn’t believe how beautiful it was. He’s definitely the artsy type because he does videography and photography with his own DSLR and fancy camera supply backpack. I have an eye for aesthetics as well as a way with words, so I love photography and writing. We already talked New Year’s Resolutions…
“I’ll start Youtube.”
“I’ll start a blog.”
Most importantly, he has the number one thing I would put on a checklist that I have for the potential boys I date. He’s caring and considerate. The way he speaks and touches me is deliberate and careful. His movements and speech are thought out… except when he’s being a clumsy fool and bumping into every corner the world has to offer. I’ve noticed that when I hung out with him for the first time. I was looking for that, and I found it.
I started writing this post a while back, and then as my life goes, I did a million things between that first time around writing and this second (now fifth) time around editing. I got a chance to text him for a whole week, hang out with him, and even plan our next date. To be honest, I jump around from thing to thing so often, days and events often blend together and too many things happen where I can’t even remember them. I get up around 7:30 AM or 8:00 AM every day, run off on adventures wherever I can find them, and sleep only when I recognize the need to say the adventure is over… because I forget that my human body has limitations.
It’s funny because a friend was listening to me ramble about my frustrations with boys, and he told me once I stop looking for a boy… I’ll get into a relationship. However, I am terrified to start something new or something real or both.
Damn. I almost teared up… I’ll explain.
Every boy I get attached to adores me as a friend. However, none are willing to really put in the effort to really love me. No boy has completely invested in me as a person and gave me all the love they can muster. They don’t go out of their way to make me happy. I mean one boy has tried, but with different love languages I couldn’t feel it. That “love with all you got” gusto… I have that. I’m willing to sacrifice a lot to just make a person I love and care about (or sometimes even a stranger really) smile or be happy. It’s exhausting, but in the end it’s so worth it to see that person be happy for a minute or more. That laughter and that joy is something I am addicted to. I thrive on people’s happiness, sunshine, and food.
I almost gave up. I almost wanted to banish boys from my life and swear not to marry one ever. However, my friends talked some sense into me, and I just have to stop looking for a bit. Ironically, I met this guy from CMB and he’s almost perfect. I just don’t want to get my hopes up, have him crush them, and break my already beaten up heart. The boys in the past have taken my heart, and left it bruised and broken without even knowing. I guess I forgot to put a “Fragile: Please Handle With Care” sign on there.
Actually, no. I just haven’t met boys considerate enough to be gentle and loving with an important organ so vulnerable to pain and hurt that happens to belong to me.
Since I’m already on the topic, I guess I can deep dive into those boys that have captured my heart. The very first boy I fell in love with and gave my whole heart to is named Matthew. This boy had me head over heels for him even when I was with my very first high school boyfriend. I broke up with Kiyon (the first boyfriend) over Facebook chat, and I went after Matthew. I didn’t know what heartbreak was. I didn’t know what rejection was. But boy did I find out.
I had a grand old time in elementary and middle school. I had crushes on guys in middle school, and it didn’t really matter. One guy I played footsies with at Outdoor Ed (camping trip they made us take every year), and we “dated” for three days. I don’t know what was going through my middle school mind. After three days, I broke up with him and apparently he cried. He apparently heard I cried, so he went to the bathroom to cry. However, I did not cry. I feel kind of bad, but it’s a hilarious story to tell people when we look back on our middle school experiences (Since then, he’s attempted to add me on Facebook with multiple different accounts, and I have added him. I don’t know why he keeps doing it). I remember also liking like five guys at once in middle school. I was easily attached to people in general, so that happened. I guess I never really confessed to them, so I never faced real rejection.
High school… I came in all bright and shiny. I wore colored pants, and I loved talking with everyone. I was a popular girl (not in the traditional sense), and I had a couple boys fall for me. Kiyon was my first boyfriend. We met at a football game, and he offered his blankets to my best friend, Amy, and me. We had a really good time just hanging out with this particular group of friends. Ironically, I did meet Matt prior to seeing Kiyon that night. Amy introduced him to me, but not much yielded from that interaction. Kiyon and I started texting or messaging soon after that night, and we were digging each other. I was excited some guy was interested in me first of all. Then, he was a cute boy that smiled nicely and treated me well. We had a cute little run for two months. He tried to kiss me, but I wasn’t ready. He was such a gentleman. Even after I broke up with him over Facebook chat, he told Matt that he was happy for him or something along the lines of “You’re lucky to have a girl like that like you.” If I had any self-esteem, that was a big source of it. Another big source came from a boy name Chris.
Oh Chris. He was head over heels for me, but I was pandering after some white boy named Matt. He was a sweet, skinny Asian boy who loved music and singing. He was adorable, but I was head over heels for someone else. I looked out for Chris as much as I could. When I had to tell him to his face that I didn’t like him, I asked if he was okay like a million times. I felt horrible, and I showed up to class (that Matt was in actually) a little late because I walked Chris to his. The boy told my other best friend Grace that he thought I was the perfect girl. I got an ego boost from that for sure, but I never really understood why he thought I was perfect.
How does a 14 year old even know what the perfect girl means? Ironically, that confidence that I had as a mere freshman in high school is what I’m rockin’ today. I lost that confidence when Matthew rejected me. Since then, it’s been a journey of self-loving, self-loathing, self-discovery, and more.
Now that is what I want to document. All of the things I’ve learned, and I’ve learned a lot in the past few years since the time he rejected me. I’ve learned not only about how to deal with that rejection, but about countless other things. I know what it’s like to be in a relationship, a long distance relationship, a long-term relationship, a long term and long distance relationship. I’ve understood what it means to feel lonely both happily and sadly. I’ve learned how to be the craziest, most outgoing people person, but also how to be a good, genuine people person (they are different kinds of people).
I have learned what it means to be human, to feel, to love, to hurt, to hurt others, to trust, to break trust, to have faith, to lose faith, to not know who I am, to know who I am, to close myself off to the world and deep dive into depression and also to open myself up to learn how to overcome that and even more. I have learned the mechanics of the world and, not completely but somewhat, of how I fit in. I want a space to be able to share my perspective. One I would deem unique and special. That last sentence makes my core shake because I don’t even know how I would explain it to you guys. I’ve tried with my closest friends, but I don’t believe they fully understand. I will attempt the same conversation with you all another time.
If you’re interested in what I hope to accomplish through this blog, here’s the short story:
I want to, as a human being, share my experience and connect with other human beings by teaching them what I have learned from this crazy thing we call life. This bold and beautiful experience has made me who I am right now, and I can confidently say I love myself immensely. I am very proud of the human being I have worked hard to become, and I know I can continue to learn things from the world and others, like you reader, to make me an even better human. I want to help others reach this point of a self-love that I believe sustains one for living a joyful life each and every day. It just takes deliberate and careful decisions in all the small details that make one beautiful life. I meant to make this a tiny blurb, but as you can see I can just go on and on.
Still interested? Stick around and see what I have to say. Thanks y’all. 🙂